Revolution at the Mayo Clinic: 364 are accepted to its medical school

Satire by Michael Monasky | 

While it normally accepts less than 50 students annually, the Mayo Clinic medical school last week distributed 364 acceptance notifications by email for this year’s expected 2024 graduating class. There are some provisos, though.

Upon completion, all of the students are expected to fill desperately needed positions in family practice and general medicine throughout the country in public community health centers. As a result, the Mayo Clinic medical school is waiving full tuition costs and fees. In addition, each student will receive all-expenses-paid room and board for themselves, their spouses, and dependents for their four-year terms.

Mayo spokeswoman Kellie Forseps said that the school received an unrestricted grant of $3 billion dollars for this remarkable endeavor from billionaire Michael Bloomberg, whose disappointing performance in the recent Democratic debates caused his campaign to sputter. The former New York City mayor said “I know this will do more to reform our broken health system than anything else I could propose.”

Although thousands had applied for seats at the school, many of the candidates were elated. “This means I can focus all my efforts in learning how to be the best doctor I can be,” said Benedict Earnest, a winner from Camden, New Jersey. “I’m a single dad with a two-year-old son; my wife died when he was born. I’m the first of my family to make it through college. My mom is so proud.”

Practical nurse Sally Futher of East Cleveland received the same email. She said: “I know I can do this. I work hard for me and my kids; my husband works hard, too, as an orderly at the same nursing home. We really need this break, and are looking forward to the winters in Minnesota.”

Jim DeSoto is a single man who demolishes buildings in Detroit and got the notice on Sunday. “I love biology,” he said. “I made application to Mayo on a whim and a $100 lottery winning ticket. This is the American Dream come true.”

Ms. Forseps added that the Mayo Clinic will closely monitor the program to see if a future, Havana-style expansion would be feasible with a thousand students each year, and a plan to transition it from a four to a seven-year public health school. She said: “At five percent, the Bloomberg funds will yield $150 million each year, more than enough to cover the program’s student tuition, fees, and family living expenses.”

The plan has the full endorsement of Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar who said, “If we can’t get the billionaires to pay taxes, maybe we can get them to be charitable.” The American Medical Association posted a press release without opposition which said, “Family and general practitioners aren’t our regular client members anyway.”