Leaked Elk Grove Documents Reveal “Feed Your Pet to Fund the Zoo” Scheme

By Our Very Alarmed but Also Slightly Amused Investigative Team | Sunday Funnies | 

In what can only be described as the political equivalent of a late-night Shark Week marathon, leaked documents from Elk Grove City Hall suggest at least three of the five City Council members met in secret — in clear violation of California’s Brown Act — to brainstorm a cost-cutting plan for the now-defunct Sacramento Zoo relocation project.

The alleged scheme? Take unclaimed animals from the city’s animal shelter, toss in some feral cats for good measure, and feed them directly to the zoo’s crocodiles, alligators, lions, tigers, boa constrictors, pythons, and, according to one particularly ambitious council memo, “any other predator who enjoys a warm entrée.”

According to the draft proposal (see below) — code-named Operation Fur-Ever Farewell — the feeding program would slash meat costs for the zoo while providing “a thrilling, educational, and slightly horrifying spectacle” for paying customers. In an entrepreneurial flourish, the council allegedly pitched after-hours feeding shows for audiences 18 and over. Ticket prices would start at $250 per person, with VIP pricing “scaled according to the animal’s ferocity and the prey’s ability to put up a fight.”

One bullet point from the leaked meeting notes read:

• "The public loves authenticity. And nothing says ‘authentic’ like a bobcat lunging at an unsuspecting python.”

To protect “the dignity and privacy” of the animals involved, the proposal banned all phones and cameras during the events. A city PowerPoint slide even recommended “patrons sign a nondisclosure agreement to prevent PETA from finding out before we’ve at least covered the first year’s feed bill.”

Proceeds from the blood-soaked dinner theater would go to the Sacramento Zoological Society’s tentatively titled Feed Your Pet to Fund the Zoo program — a name one councilmember called “blunt, but honest.”

The plan was reportedly shelved on April 30, when the City of Elk Grove and the Sacramento Zoological Society officially killed the $302 million zoo relocation project. Sources inside City Hall say the abrupt end to the project left a half-finished marketing campaign that included sample brochures (“Your Fluffy, Their Feast!”) and a social media hashtag — #DinnerAndRoar — waiting for approval.

When asked for comment, a city spokesperson simply replied, “This was never an official plan, and besides, crocodiles prefer chicken.”

Animal rights groups have expressed outrage, the local business community expressed confusion, and at least one resident on social media expressed disappointment, writing, “$250 to watch a tiger eat a possum? That’s cheaper than Kings courtside seats.”

This is an installation of the series called Sunday Funnies, which are occasional posts providing a humorous look at national, state, and local politics and culture. It is not beyond belief that events captured in Sunday Funnies could happen, as we saw with this story from Denmark! 

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