Elk Grove Mayor Unveils Plan to Transform City into Global Tourist Hotspot—“Move Over, Yosemite, Here Comes #VEGA!”

Billboards will be an integral part of Elk Grove tourism promotion. |   

See note below |  

ELK GROVE, Calif - In a stirring (and entirely deadpan) address that had at least three people reaching for their phones to Google “Elk Grove,” Mayor Bobbie Singh-Allen unveiled a sweeping new initiative to catapult the city from “meh” to “magnificent” during her annual State of the City address. The program, dubbed #VEGA - short for “Visit Elk Grove Again” - is slated to make this Central Valley suburb the Paris of California, or at least the Bakersfield of Northern California.

“Friends, neighbors, and people who accidentally took the wrong exit off I-5,” Singh-Allen began, “I stand before you this morning to announce the boldest plan in Elk Grove’s history. We’re not just a bedroom community anymore, VEGA will draw millions of repeat visitors, dazzling them with our unparalleled… um… well, we have a new Jollibee and some really nice sidewalks.”

With the boundless optimism of a mid-size city mayor who likes to think of herself as an “influencer,” Singh-Allen painted a vision of Elk Grove as an international jet-set destination on par with Sun Valley, Idaho, and Aspen, Colorado - minus the skiing, celebrities, or, frankly, anything remotely resembling luxurious mountain accommodations.

“We’re going to siphon tourists from Disneyland, Yosemite, and even the Gaslamp Quarter,” she declared, while winking in the general direction of Sacramento. “Who needs Sleeping Beauty’s castle when you’ve got the Elk Grove Aquatic Center?”

Critics were quick to pounce on the announcement, noting that the city’s most popular attraction is arguably the Costco gas line and that “Visit Elk Grove Again” assumes that visitors came in the first place. But Singh-Allen remained undeterred, touting a jam-packed itinerary for #VEGA tourists.

“Come for the charming strip malls, stay for the exciting cul-de-sacs!” Singh-Allen beamed. “We’re even planning ‘wildlife tours’ of the local roundabouts. And let’s not forget the historical reenactment of the opening of the second In-N-Out location. It’s all very… historically significant.”

When asked how the city would manage the expected flood of international travelers, Singh-Allen was quick to reassure. 

“We’ve already commissioned two brand-new ‘Welcome to Elk Grove’ signs and a shuttle van that can transport up to five tourists at a time. It’s going to be… well, it’s going to be something,” she happily claimed. "And we're working with Wilton Rancheria to build an airport for private jets."

The mayor concluded her rousing speech with a promise of “world-class amenities,” including artisanal corn dogs at local food trucks and a new slogan for the city’s water tower: “Elk Grove Sure - Why Not?”

As city officials distributed glossy brochures featuring stock photos of families suspiciously pale for Elk Grove’s sunny climate, Singh-Allen took a final bow to polite applause.

“Elk Grove is ready for the world,” she said. “And if the world isn’t ready for us… we’ll just keep the pool open late.”

This is an installation of the series called Sunday Funnies, which are occasional posts providing a humorous look at national, state, and local politics and culture. It is not beyond belief that events captured in Sunday Funnies could happen!

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