Four-Two-Zero Adventure Land – An Elegant Repurposing of the Outlet Collection at Elk Grove

May 28, 2017 | 

While the Outlet Collection at Elk Grove continues its extended hibernation and the proposed Wilton Rancheria’s proposed casino resort remains in the state of suspended animation while the Trump administration determines its fate, an EGN contributor has formulated a way to repurpose the site.

D. J. Blutarsky | 

Why not transform Elk Grove's infamous Ghost Mall into The 420 Adventure Land - a marijuana theme park in the spirit of Busch Garden, for those who remember that beer-themed park. Instead of Mickey Mouse ears, visitors can sit on the Zig Zag man's lap and get their autographed picture taken shotgunning a joint! If the stars are aligned, Snoop Dog will be there for the ribbon cutting.

Ride the Cheech and Chong merry-go-round, instead of horses, you sit on tall glass bongs and the sound of bubbling water plays over the loudspeakers. The bumper car ride encourages you to be stoned and there is a black and white cop car with Officer Stadanko that you have to chase down.

The log ride becomes the Joint Ride, long joints that you sit in and fly through the waterfalls. Everyone has to light a joint and the one who emerges from the ride with their joint still lit, wins a prize--a bag of weed or case of rolling papers, your choice.

Let's not forget the ring toss!

The object here is that you throw a dart shaped like a joint and try to hit helium filled bags of fake weed that scroll past you. You’ll have forgotten you're stoned and try to pop one of the bags. Pop a bag and you a gifted a bag!

Then instead of the guess your weight, there is a breathalyzer and the host has to guess the THC content in your blood before you blow into the machine. If you fool him, you get a free bag of pot!

Then there is the maize. Pay $5 and you have to find your way through the maize to get to the exit. I understand some real stoners have had to be escorted out after they got lost so bad and 3 days had passed!

Now you may like cotton candy, but this place will have a new twist: Resin Candy. Looks like cotton candy, but the sticky stuff is actually aged resin imported from Nepal.

You like food? Have the munchies? All food is of course laced with pot. Taco Bell has a few stands where you can buy edibles by the boxload and crash on one of the hundreds of air beds and inflatable sofas placed throughout the park. Just like crashing in your friend’s apartment.

There's even a socialist den for people who ran out of money or don't believe in money - you take your buzz and vege out watching large screen TV's all day. There is even a backpack adventure ride where you load a backpack full of pot, Fritos, and Red Bull and stay overnight at the simulated campground made to look like Woodstock.

And for those who really want to be high, cap it off with the Kathmandu monorail - you'll get high alright! The Kathmandu monorail simulates a vertical climb into the Himalayas, drops you like a ton of bricks, then swings out over the freeway so you can laugh at all the squares cruising around in their cars down the 99 corridor. Please do not throw objects from your cars and no spitting at the baboons! 

They call Disneyland the Happiest Place on Earth. Well, the Kammerer Road 420 Adventure Land will be the Highest Place on Earth! Now that will make Elk Grove into an unmatched tourist destination 

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Capt. Benjamin Willard said...

For outrageous and funny as Mr. Blutarsky's suggested use for the ghost mall might be, it probably has a better chance than becoming an outlet center as proposed by Howard Hughes given the rapid decline of brick and mortar retailers.

On a separate but somewhat related note, perhaps Mr. Gougherty can dig out the video from several years ago where Ms. Nikki Carpenter had a humorous, yet practical suggested one day use for the abandoned structure.

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